Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Bipolar Blog on Seasons Changing

Okay, so what is your favorite season? If you're anything like me then Spring or Summer are the winners. Winner winner chicken dinner lol. In the Spring when the flowers are blooming and the leaves are first coming out I feel great. I love to wake up to a beautiful sunrise and hear the birds singing outside my windows. I enjoy feeling the warmth of the sun on my face when I walk outside, and enjoy being able to go outside for walks or jogs. Yes, the Spring season is definitely a time of joy and happiness because Summer time follows. Six months of warm weather to get out and be active.

Now, considering that I live in West Virginia this time of the year comes to an end. Boo for Autumn. I don't mean that in a Halloween type way either. With Autumn comes dead trees, no birds singing, no flowers, dead lawns, gray skies, cold rain turning into snow, and so on. The dark gloomy feelings and sights of depression come alive in reality. My mind sees these sights throughout the year if I get consumed by depression so I really don't want to live them for six months daily. I hate having to bundle up in restricting clothing just to go check the mail. I hate having to put my vehicle into four wheel drive just to get out of my driveway, and I hate being in a world of death and gray skies.

Living in a state that has four seasons may appear to be a blessing for some folks. Those who live in the south drive hundreds of miles just to get a glimpse of the bright orange and red colors of the mountain sides as the leaves change and begin to fall. Some folks consider a white covered ground a wonderland of icy joy. Kids scream out in glee to hear that their county has called off school for the day due to the weather conditions. All these things are indeed true and happen often here in the WV. But the cold hard facts are I have to rake those fallen leaves from my yard, I have to clean up all the mud that gets tracked in from that winter wonderland, I still have to drive to work on those icy roads everyday wether school is canceled or not.

Seasonal affective disorder is a huge trigger for my Bipolar Disorder. I get way more depressed or manic in the Winter months. It seems that I'll become severely, and I mean severely depressed in the Winter months and then I'll develop what some call cabin fever and become overly manic. I'll try to subsidize my lack of activity by going into town and buying extravagant items such as a small pool table or a huge 65 inch television which truly happened.

Maybe this is a sign of what I've discussed on this blog before. Maybe the routine or stability factor play a role in Seasonal affective disorder. Maybe the fact that something has changed or isn't staying stable and out of my control is affecting my mental stability. A small tweak in medication isn't going to fix this. I've tried before and failed. It's that time of year when I need to just fasten my seatbelt and pull down the safety bar for a long ride into the world of Bipolar Hell. Full speed ahead.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Bipolar Blog On Suicide

Ok so this is a deeply disturbing topic to write about. This is the type of topic that nobody wants to hear about or deal with. So, let’s talk about it. Let’s discuss suicide.

If you really want to know about suicide then you need to hear it from someone who’s dealt with it. A person who has been there and attempted suicide and knows what it feels like. That person is unfortunately me. Suicide isn’t just a cop out. It isn’t a way to just say screw you to the world. It’s not even a way to escape life or run away from your troubles. Suicide in many ways is a cure, it’s a way to gain control of life. Suicide is welcomed by so many for its shining light of hope for a peaceful rest. I know you are saying, “what? This guy must be nuts.” Nope, just honest.

Being that depressed and feeling all that pain for so long is just exhausting. To love in complete darkness and to feel so lost is not only terrible, horrifying, and depressing it’s also painful. Many people just look to suicide as a way of regaining that control they just couldn’t have in life. It’s a form of rebirth in their minds.

Think about your darkest moments in life. Think about a time when all you see was complete darkness and only feel pain. Think of a moment when you felt all hope was gone forever and only that feeling you had was going to last forever. That feeling of utter darkness, despair, loneliness, uselessness. Now magnify these emotions and feelings and maybe then you’ll understand the depression that bipolar disorder can do to a person.

On the other hand looking into the manic side of things all these emotions can just shoot straight up into a paranoid manic. Taking all these feelings and adding lack of sleep and worrying about everything with racing thoughts and you have a recipe for suicide in a heartbeat. At that one moment when all you want is to gain control and find peace it’s a pretty good looking option.

People just are way to cruel and coincided to understand what a mentality I’ll person feels. Pointing fingered and saying suck it up, think positive just doesn’t help. Making fun of someone who has bipolar disorder is just wrong. Telling them to change their outlook is like telling someone with diabetes to tell their pancreas to work again. It’s not how things work in the medical field.

Being suicidal is considered taboo. When someone says they want to commit suicide we rush them to the hospital and lock them away for a few days to treat them. That’s understandable of course to try to help them. But the fact remains that everyone deserves peace and rest, and if they’ve been fighting this disease for a long time then I say let them have the rest they deserve. When someone dies of cancer it’s a tragedy but they are remembered for fighting the good fight. When someone dies from bipolar they are remembered for taking the easy way out and that’s not fair.

Suicide is a dark and scary place that no coward ever wants to see. The utter silence and lack of emotion that it takes to walk down that dark road is terrifying. The monster within will claw and tear at your soul the whole way. Everyone has a demon to wrestle but at times the demon will trick you into becoming its friend and easily overcome you. If suicide is the only way for peace from this fight then I feel those people deserve the same respect to die with dignity as anyone else.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Bipolar Blog On Writting About Bipolar

So, writting this blog has helped me to deal with some of my emotions. It tends to be beneficial to express my feelings in written form. Not only does it help me get out some feelings but I also feel good knowing that I may be helping others by writing this blog. Of course I don't get a lot of readers but I do get a few. That's a few more than I ever thought I'd get. Maybe people just don't read blogs as much as they used to, maybe I'm not the best writer in the world, but what I write is from the heart.

Some of my feelings are hard to express. Some of my thoughts are just to depressing or dark to even write about. I try not to go there with this blog because I want this to be more uplifting and more self help for others than just a pity party for myself. I feel it's important to have a form of outlet to espresso yourself. Writing these articles have given me that. Of course anyone can get a free website and start a blog, but it takes dedication to keep going.

I've deleted and started over a couple of times but I always come back and keep plugging away at these articles so I can have a few for others to find. It started out as a hobby and has become so much more over time. At times it feels like an obligation or a job. At those points I have to stop and step back for a while. I never want this to feel like an obligation or I won't do it. Feeling obligated has never been a good feeling for me.

When I feel obligated to do something I tend to get annoyed with it. I dread having to do it. It becomes an annoyance in my head and I start to lose sleep worrying about getting it done. In a way it begins to hang over my head and becomes a weight on my shoulders. If I take a break for a while I can then continue doing it.

Keeping up with this has been a hard task. I have ups and down over the years and at times am just way to depressed to write. Know if I do write during those times someone would be knocking on my door for a well being check. Other times I'm on a manic episode and write about how great life is and how beautifully things are going. It's a struggle everyday just to feel well enough to get out of bed.

One thing I can say or even guarantee you is that I'll continue to write this blog for as long as I feel like writing this blog.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Bipolar Disorder Blog On Why Bipolar Disorder Makes Me Hate Myself

So hears the truth on my experience with Bipolar Disorder. This illness is no joke or nothing to take lightly. I've been dealing with this illness for a long time. Actually as long as I can remember. One thing we all forget is that when we look at someone with Bipolar we forget that they actually do have a disability. This person seems to look normal and fine to those who don't understand what Bipolar is. They tend to be able to do what everyone else can do and act in a normal way. But underneath all of this is where the true illness lies. The monster within is real and tearing at the mind and soul of its victim from within.

Everyday I try my hardest to make it a good day. I can't make any guarantees on anything. I try to do my best in all I do. Im guessing I have some form of OCD because in my heart of hearts I truly do care about my work and my friends, family, and co-workers. Not only do I care but I feel like I go overboard on everything I do just to ensure that others don't have to do more work than me. I tend to jump into things fully submerging myself into them right from the start. If someone else tries to take over a task at hand I tend to be the one to jump in and say "I'll do that for you."

Being like this is frustrating and tiresome. I come home both physically and emotionally exhausted because I worry. I mean I WORRY about everything. Trust issues are huge in my daily life. I feel like if I don't do it it isn't done right. Everyday I go behind others and check over their work or steps to make sure they are done to my liking. I hate being this way. I hate feeling so paranoid that I'm going to get into some sort of trouble for a job not being done. Some may say this is a god thing but live it for a while and then say that.

Other times I so sorry. I apologize consistently for not living up to my high standards of life. Im actually sorry for being sorry. I know it sounds weird or unusually funny, but trust me it stinks to feel like this all the time. When a person feels like such a failure they start to feel like they are truly a waist of space. Feeling this down all the time ends in a deep depression that sets in and is just completely soul sucking and life ending. Being constantly on the go trying to be so perfect, striving for an exceptional life, and fighting for some form of acceptance is awful.

Going on to the acceptance thing. In a weird way I feel like I am such a loser. I feel like if I don't work harder and do things for others all the time that I am nothing. Feeling like a constant servant to others just to be accepted into their higher domain is a terrible feeling. Never having what I would call a brotherhood or a circle of true friends. That low feeling of worthlessness and isolation from friends has lead me to a constant depressed state of being. I go in and do a job then leave, because I feel like I don't belong there unless I am doing a job. I deserve no fun or enjoyment.

Working all the time and taking no time for enjoyment or rest is a terrible way to live your life. But at the same time I don't know how to have fun. I don't understand how to smile or relax. I feel guilty if I take a day off. Every new hobby or thing that I started out for fun has become a chore or a job. I relate everything back to work in some form. My weight loss journey has become an obsession for fitness so I can do my job better. My Youtube.com/dnicholson304 channel has become and exhausting challenge to keep up with causing me to stay up late to keep up with others channels. Everything I do for fun becomes a job.

I guess I have an addictive personality with side dishes of OCD and paranoia. I top that off with this horrible rollercoaster ride of Bipolar Disorder that mostly manifests itself with depression and now I have a terrible recipe for life that could easily end in suicide one day.

No one that I have ever met can understand this. No one! I speak with supervisors about my schedule and they just say I got work when they want me to work even it means turn around shifts or double shifts. If I take a day off others around me frown on that and say I am lazy. Pushing me to do things I don't want to do constantly. This constant mistreatment or lack of understanding causes me to have those feelings of worthlessness and resentment for myself. I truly have grown to hate myself because of Bipolar Disorder.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Discrimination Against People With Disabilities Is Wrong

Does having a mental disability make you an outcast from normal society? Many people suffer daily from not only bipolar disorder but also depression or other disabilities that cause everyday activities to become harder than those of their peers. At times the simplest tasks like getting out of bed and performing daily hygiene before having to leave for work or school is a mountain to climb for these unfortunate people. For those having a manic episode simply laying down and going to sleep is nothing more than impossible.

A daily working life with a balance of home and work time is a wonderful thing for anyone to have. Unfortunately in today's society this balance is hard to come by. With most businesses open 24 hours a day 7 days a week a work schedule is anything but balanced. It seems as if starting times have moved from the normal 9am to 5pm to a 7am to when ever???? In some cases I've been asked to work from 7am until 11pm six days a week. This is an insane request for a person with mental health issues. An actual work schedule with a little balance makes a huge difference in a mental health sufferers life.

Being a functioning member of society isn't just working and doing everyday things. In my opinion being a functioning member of society means doing all these things in a healthy, happy, progductive manner. Going through the motions or doing sloppy work because you're unhappy is not safe, or productive.

Most businesses I've either applied to or interviewed with "claim" they do not discriminate against those with a disability. I have found this to be 100% not true in more than one case. When asked to work those 16 hour shifts I advised them of my disibility and showed them a doctors slip and was forced to resign on the spot. The next interview I had was requesting a similar schedule and was told they couldn't discriminate on the basis on my disability. When not called back for a a starting date I was told because of my inability to work 16 hours a day I was not being offered a job.

This is unfair and awful of companies to do to people. I am actually a hard worker who does my best to make sure my work is done, in proper order, and care about the job I'm doing. I do not miss work and show up early daily. I take pride in what I do and have loyalty if treated with respect.

On a similar note another thing I have noticed about my recent job search is that almost every application asks, "do you have a disability" wait, what?!? Now that is just wrong!! Why would you ask an applicant that. If the qualifications are met then who cares if I have a disability or not. You just want to base a decision on my disability alone, don't you?

So to answer my own opening question, YES, having a mental disability does make you an outcast from normal society. It seems that the stigma on mental health problems is alive and well. Unfortunately I don't think it will ever leave. Treating a person who is trying their hardest to overcome daily life struggles while fighting a mental disability with snarky remarks, or different from a more socially acceptable person is simply wrong. We are not stupid, lazy, or worthless individuals who cannot perform the job because we have a disability. We too have dreams of becoming what ever we want. We need incomes to support our families. We also demand our right to work under the Americans With Disabilities Act.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Being Miserable In All you Do

It may seem to some of us suffering from Bipolar Disorder that happiness just isn't in the cards for us. No matter what we try or where we go we fail constantly at all life endeavors. Trust me I understand. I have tried and failed at more jobs than I care to admit. Well I can't say I failed, I would say I quit or gave up. It just seems that when a new opportunity presents itself I get manic, jump on it, get burned out and quit. I've been successful at most of these jobs. I've never been fired, I've almost always been promoted very quickly but just get tired and burned out. Depression is the main reason.

I honestly can't remember the last time I wasn't depressed. I don't remember what true and complete happiness feels like or what a normal emotion or life is like. I've been seeing a regular doctor for my treatment of Bipolar Disorder and now I have been referred to a therapist and have had my first appointment today. I think it went well for a first time session. Of course I was very nervous and very awkward while sitting on the couch. I really didn't understand how I was supposed to react or what I was supposed to say. One thing I mentioned was this blog and my YouTube channel, as well as my history of failure.

Working through these feelings of low self esteem will take time. Having so many emotions bottled up inside me has made me feel almost emotionless. I don't feel joy or pleasure hardly at all anymore and have a constant monotone voice and straight face. It's as if I have been preprogramed to just exist.

Understanding that I do have a problem and realizing it the first steps. I've decided to go to a job assistance facility that specializes in helping people with disabilities employment that meets their personal needs. Maybe this will help me in a certain way. It seems that maybe things will look up for me in the near future. Well, I'm not getting my hopes up yet.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Meds And Me Exercise And Bipolar

Okay so it's been awhile since I posted here. I've been doing okay I guess. I did have a set back with a certain employer. I feel as though I have been discriminated against for having a disability. But that's a whole other story. The good thing is I am still losing weight and building muscle. Through research I've found so much information on bipolar disorder and exercise. It's been simple to find multiple articles advising of how people feel so much better when they exercise regularly. Of course I'm not a doctor as I've said before, but I can say this has some truth behind it. Maybe the fact that it's summertime and I'm out more has a little to do with it also.

I would like to get into the medication side of this.  It seems like my dream of being med free is in fact a long shot. Although I am feeling better lately I do feel like a set back is possible. Using medication is a necessity not just a crutch. In my first paragraph I said I feel like I was discriminated against and the medicine I take was just a part of that act. My particular medicine is working for me and it does require a certain amount of rest time. There is absolutely no way I am going to change a pattern and risk a set back just to suit someone else's needs.

Medication is a life long need for most people who suffer from bipolar. It's just like any other illness that is chronic. If treated properly it stays under control with the occasional flare up but when forgotten and left untreated things get bad or even fatal. Treating this illness is a must!!!

Taking medication used to be shameful in my eyes. The horrid stigma that goes along with mental illness is just the beginning of the cause. I felt that I couldn't be who I wanted to be while bipolar disorder was in my diagnosis. I felt as though I was labeled a "crack pot" or a "weirdo" and felt as though the world was pointing and laughing at me. Somehow I've started to overcome these feelings. Not sure why or how but it's time to stand up for who I am. It's time to make people realize we don't need to be treated bad because we have a disability.

Anyway thanks for reading this update and please check out my YouTube channel located at YouTube.com/dnicholson304  Thank you again.