Friday, October 28, 2016

A Message Of Hope

    At times in our lives we are faced with a challenge.... A challenge of good or bad, a challenge of right or wrong. We don't always make the right decision but we always make a decision. The decision may be something simple like another cup of coffee, an extra piece of pie. The decision may be something big like choosing to live or die, or continuing on the path of your proclaimed religious path. Who knows what decision you'll have to face in the days, weeks, years to come.
    I know when those tough decisions come to pass, it seems as if all hope is lost. When we make the wrong choice in life things can get tough. We may fall into a state of despair or depression. Things get dark and at times even scary. At times people feel alone, unloved, unwanted. We go from pack animals to a lone wolf in what seems like a split second. Walking alone isn't a good feeling. Humans need companionship most when lost and alone. We are naturally pack animals.
    Things get horrible in our lives. The old saying of "my mom told there would be days like this" still stands true today. When all hope is lost, thats when we need to fight harder. When all love seems gone for good, thats when we need to love more. I may not be the smartest person in the world but I do know this. As long as you keep fighting the good fight all hope is never lost. As long as you keep on loving, all love is not lost.
    When it seems that you are the only person left in a world of nothing, then this world is not a world of nothing... YOU are something. When you have breath left in your body, then you are the hope. You have to keep on going. Keep on moving forward and make your own way. Nobody can pick you up and shake the dust off like you can for yourself. It sucks at times. When your sitting there in your own place thinking of suicide and death doesn't come for you, then there's a reason death doesn't come for you. You have a purpose.
    Your purpose is to be that person you are meant to be. No I can't tell you what your purpose is but I can tell you I've been where you are. I can tell you that I too have crawled through the trenches of that same hell. I've seen the demons and wrestled the same devil you are facing. I've come to those same cross roads and even taken the wrong turn. That road of empty buildings and false store fronts that lead to nowhere. I've seen those empty faces staring down at me laughing and mocking me for my wrong choices.
    The truth is, I've made the right decision by still being here to tell you this. So have you for being here to read this. Some how everyday I get up and continue to let my light shine in this old world. Yeah, it may be dim at times, but it's still lit. I live by knowing that I am something. I am somebody. As long as my heart beats blood through my veins that hope and love still exist in this world. Goodness is never gone. Never give up on hope because when you do, you give up on yourself.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Choices Made Are In The Past

    In a world that has so many judges and not enough friendship how does a person stay sane? Looking back only life I've always been a little paranoid. Paranoid that those around me look at me differently than they would at others. Not because of my mental health issues but more because of my actions. Yes, I would almost certainly say a lot of my actions are due in part because of that mental illness, but thats not what this is about.
    You see, when I do something or say something I fear in my heart that those around me are talking bad about those actions. I feel as if those people are judging me in an unfair way. Its almost like my whole life has been stacked against me. Maybe it is as I said paranoia or maybe it's true. At times people do come and confirm those thoughts. Maybe it's only true at times. But the truth is when it does happen that tends to drive me further down the paranoia rabbit hole.
    I only wish that a pill would be invented to end that paranoia feeling. An "I don't give a crap pill" if you need an example. Yeah, that would hit the spot. Of course I admit I haven't always made the right choices in life, I mean who has? But this doesn't give anyone the right to judge anybody. If a person was to say something like "He shouldn't have done that" or "He's made a huge mistake by doing that" then look at your own life first.
    I do not judge others in that way. Yes, I do write this blog that tries to give advice to others, but that doesn't mean I'm judging others. So, next time you decide to talk about someone please remember that person has reasons for their actions and those actions are just that, their own. In my case, my choices are my own, and I made them with the best of intentions. At the time, they where made for a reason and not because I'm lazy or any other reason like that.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

A Place To Never Visit

    Today was a day as any other wake up, eat a little something, do stuff, head to bed. Tomorrow will be the same I'm sure. What of it? How could it be different? Why would it be different? Why would I think it would be different? So many questions about tomorrow, so many thoughts about where the day could go. Maybe some hope for a brighter day, a better future. Maybe a manic episode could hit and sleep will be out of the question. Maybe a depressed episode could hit and yet another day of black and white vision.
    Why do so many questions go out with no answers? Why do cries of help go out to def ears? How many cries of help need to be shout out before they are heard?
    Is this world painted in black and white or is it just me? Have all the flowers and birds disappeared with out notice? The sun has gone away for so long without even a trace of its location. Each blade of grass has stopped growing and has turned black. The sky has begun its decent onto the earth. Fog rolling in from afar. The mist in the air leaves tears of pain on the faces of the innocent with out even a tear to be shed. Where have all the colors gone.
    As the world shakes from the crushing changes humans walk alone. Confusion clouds the judgment of their once vibrant minds. Each passing day the same as the one before. Not even a soul to be found as the cries of help continue. In and out, each new day the same. Nothing to change or look forward to as the mind has been erased of all pleasure.
   Walking alone down never ending streets of fog embraced pain. So long, so steep, either way to turn is the same path as before. A blackened pathway of narrow rows are backdropped all around in a world of no life. Dead trees with darkened branches hang overhead like a corpses hand trying to reach out for no reason. Clawing through the narrow corridors, gasping for a single breath as the world tightens its grip on reality. Knowing this is the future for as long as the empty mind can foresee.
    Nothingness, helplessness, no hope, these are just a few words to describe this place. A true feeling of hopelessness in a fear stricken heart. Separation from others even though you can see them. Voices mean nothing in this place of extreme darkness. Words echo down into the ground of solitude without ever being heard.
    All this from a single mind. A place to never visit.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Job Hunting

    Choices come and go but making the right choice is not as easy as one would think.... I have now been offered a choice of three different positions and have to make a decision on what would be good for me. Having Bipolar Disorder is a big factor in decision making. Not only in just the choice itself but also in the long run of things. You see, I have to decide on a job and this is tough due to the manic side of things saying go for the one that sounds fun or is ready to go now, while on the other hand the depression side of things says what about down the road?
    Starting now would be good for the income of things, but down the road will I be happy, would gas and travel time come into play? Of course we have my most active Bipolar season coming in... winter. Now one of the positions has me waiting until Oct. 20th for a finger print screening then a back ground check. Who knows how long it will take for that to come back? Another job has me a spot to start in as soon as tomorrow, but, it is a trip to get too. The pay isn't great but it is income. The third job has me waiting on a phone call, it is a trip as well but it is also the highest paying position offered to me right now. They may call today or tomorrow morning, so they said.
    Of course I'm not getting rich writing this blog lol. So in the mean time I am just sitting here going over applications and muling over these offers. Now there is another possible lead I have that I think would be a perfect fit for my needs. With two guaranteed offers on the table and one possible phone call very soon I may be foolish to hope on the long shot but I think I would really enjoy this work. So off to the old drawing board to plan my next move. Wish me luck in my endeavors of the job hunt.
    Bipolar has played a role in my search. It's as if I need to plan my work around things like scheduling, travel time, and how much I would like to do what it is that is offered. Most people plan around the same thing but in my case I need to take it a little more seriously. You see, if I start something and find that it isn't for me I tend to get worried a lot more and feel a sense of loyalty immediately to that particular organization. There was a time when I could just jump jobs and not feel guilty but in a weird way that has all changed. It's as if I need to feel accepted now for some reason. So I need to be very careful.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Live Life To The Fullest (SORTA)

     Sometimes we make decisions in our life that we know are the right way to go, but, others look down on us for this sort of decision. I'm not quite sure if this makes sense to you as you don't know the whole story. Either way I've made a choice and I stick by it. Now I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. I must now face my would be judges for my actions. This only brings in the depression and paranoia along with the criticism of others. 
    Now how should I deal with this? The pressure is on and I need to make a new choice quickly but I'm not sure in which direction I need to go. I can of course just do the first thing that pops up, or I can take my time...... no I can't take my time because I'm dealing with another fire also. Oh well... Where to go, what to do? 
    You know? We all do things we need to do. We all need to make the choices that benefit us, not others. We can not live our life to please others, we must do it to please ourselves. If we try to go day to day pleasing everyone else we will in fact go crazy..... I know, I already have a mental condition, but I'm not crazy. So from now on, and say this lightly and with out certainty, I will try to live for myself and make decisions for myself. 
    Of course I will fail. I will continue to feel guilty for every single aspect of my life. I will most likely continue to have paranoia of what others think of me. I will strive my hardest to gain acceptance of those I am close to. Each and everyday I will live life to the fullest of someone else's expectations. Yeah, that seems like a great life doesn't it?  
    Why do I do this? Why on earth does it seem like my life is based on others choices?

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Give Bipolar The Respect It Deserves

   People tend to treat my illness as if it doesn't exist. They look at me like I suffer because I want to suffer, like happiness and I mean true happiness is something I don't want. Bipolar disorder doesn't get the respect it deserves from the general or medical population. This illness gives you the feeling like you have been diagnosed and treated with pills in one hand while a pile of doubt fills the other. Never have I been treated like a person with a general physical disability. I know for a fact that I have a disability. While it is a brain disability it is still a physical disability. Why is it that if a person gets cancer or is paralyzed or even has a heart attack or stroke they get noticed as disabled. Now I'm not taking away from their disabilities at all and feel they deserve the same treatment as anyone else with a disability. Life has truly handed them a band hand. But, at the same time people with a mental disability have to fight hard to get up each morning and fight hard to go to work if they even can maintain a job. Most insurance companies don't cover mental health, treatment options are next to to nothing, and yet we are dying everyday from our illness. If we don't kill ourselves from depression or paranoia our meds lesson our lifespans by years. 
    Hypertension, liver failure, stroke, heart attack, suicide, diabetes, these are all very typical things that kill not just everyone but those with mental illness are more subject to than the rest. Look it up!!! Why in the world would we get treated like a bunch of liars and whiners over our illness. Most people with mental illness are born that way. Yes, it is passed on through family genes and is a real problem. Recent studies dome by reputable health organizations have shown that mental illness can be tested and diagnosed through MRI machines thus proving its legitimacy. So again I go back to why do we get treated like outcasts of society. 
    Yes I have bipolar disorder, hypertension, insomnia, and non diagnosed paranoia as well as very close to diabetes. The high blood pressure and diabetes have been brought on by my medications. The sad fact of the matter is my insurance doesn't cover my mental health treatments. Why? I mean, I pay for the insurance and hardly ever get to use it. I never get a cold or haven't had the flu in 20 years. So then tell me what good is it to pay for something you don't use. It would be cheaper for me to pay the $75 dollars a year for a checkup physical than to pay the $100 dollars a month for the insurance. I'm already paying for my psych meds and doctor visits anyway. I don't know just a rant I guess.

I'm Still Around

    It's funny how things work out.... Here I am sitting at home now waiting for a new position at the hospital I work in, all the while feeling guilty about leaving my old position. Sometimes it seems no matter what we do we just can't please everyone. Yes, I understand we truly can't please everyone but I really do try. Sometimes I feel as if I am being pushed into things I just don't want, or I do things just to please others. I feel like most of my life I try to please others. Give, give, give until I just can't I've no more. Maybe having bipolar disorder is causing these feelings maybe it's not. How do I even know? I mean, I've had this illness as long as I can remember.
    Well, it's fall of the year now. We all know what that means, snow is coming. This is my worst time of the year. Winter has its effect on me and it isn't good. This is the time I get depressed really bad. I see lows that are beyond others. Yes, bipolar is ups and downs worse than others but this is awful. Many people have multiple diagnoses along with bipolar disorder. My doctor has mentioned something called season effective disorder and insomnia. Sometimes I feel like I am paranoid as well.        This would explain a lot of why I feel like I have to please everyone all the time. 
    It's been a long while since I have actually tried to write in this blog. I keep deleting it and giving up on myself over and over again. Maybe a little support would help. I mean, does it really take that much time to write a comment or let someone know it helps them out. I've talked to one person who said yes it is good. Knowing that I'm not a professional writer and that I give it my all should be satisfaction enough for me but I guess it isn't. Maybe I'm just the type of person who actively seeks some sort of permission or justification for what I do. 
    Lately my brain has been all over the place. It's as if I can't stop worrying about things and I know I need to do something but my energy level is at the bottom of the barrel. How do I fix this? How can I feel like I want to get up and do something. Most people would tell me to force myself, some people would tell me to go to the doctor, others would say just give it time. This type of advice is nice and all but it doesn't work for me. But as you can see, I am still alive and doing my best to stay out of the bipolar slump that I am so often finding myself in. I feel terrible, guilty, and weak most of the days anymore but I am still fighting for a way to get out of this slump.