Saturday, October 1, 2016

I'm Still Around

    It's funny how things work out.... Here I am sitting at home now waiting for a new position at the hospital I work in, all the while feeling guilty about leaving my old position. Sometimes it seems no matter what we do we just can't please everyone. Yes, I understand we truly can't please everyone but I really do try. Sometimes I feel as if I am being pushed into things I just don't want, or I do things just to please others. I feel like most of my life I try to please others. Give, give, give until I just can't I've no more. Maybe having bipolar disorder is causing these feelings maybe it's not. How do I even know? I mean, I've had this illness as long as I can remember.
    Well, it's fall of the year now. We all know what that means, snow is coming. This is my worst time of the year. Winter has its effect on me and it isn't good. This is the time I get depressed really bad. I see lows that are beyond others. Yes, bipolar is ups and downs worse than others but this is awful. Many people have multiple diagnoses along with bipolar disorder. My doctor has mentioned something called season effective disorder and insomnia. Sometimes I feel like I am paranoid as well.        This would explain a lot of why I feel like I have to please everyone all the time. 
    It's been a long while since I have actually tried to write in this blog. I keep deleting it and giving up on myself over and over again. Maybe a little support would help. I mean, does it really take that much time to write a comment or let someone know it helps them out. I've talked to one person who said yes it is good. Knowing that I'm not a professional writer and that I give it my all should be satisfaction enough for me but I guess it isn't. Maybe I'm just the type of person who actively seeks some sort of permission or justification for what I do. 
    Lately my brain has been all over the place. It's as if I can't stop worrying about things and I know I need to do something but my energy level is at the bottom of the barrel. How do I fix this? How can I feel like I want to get up and do something. Most people would tell me to force myself, some people would tell me to go to the doctor, others would say just give it time. This type of advice is nice and all but it doesn't work for me. But as you can see, I am still alive and doing my best to stay out of the bipolar slump that I am so often finding myself in. I feel terrible, guilty, and weak most of the days anymore but I am still fighting for a way to get out of this slump.

1 comment:

  1. glad to see your back. keep up the good blogging