Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Deep Worries And Feelings

You know, as I continue living life I start to realize that I'm not the only one that feels like I feel. Now let me explain myself here. I at times feel like I get deeply hurt over some of the silliest things. Really, my brain transforms things into huge issues over nothing. Such as, you look nice today means you usually look horrible or you sure are quiet today turns into you usually talk to much. You see where I'm going here. This is just how I hear things.

Now that doesn't happen very often but it does happen. You see, I get paranoid as I've said in the past. I feel like people hold things back from me or judge me over things that just aren't true. I feel like I'm the topic of conversations or  I've been judged before I get a chance to prove myself. I've noticed others that feel this way as well.

Noticing that others have similar concerns does help me in the self esteem area a little bit. But even noticing this I'm still left wondering if it's the same. Do other people have the same deep worries and paranoia as someone with bipolar disorder? Do others feel as lost, hurt, emotionally torn as I do? You may notice how these things get to me by reading my articles. But, I live on and deal.

My emotions at times feel like a rock is sitting on them. I feel like my feelings have been squashed and put deep inside me so they can't ever escape. Keeping my feelings locked up has trained me to be very implosive. I erupt inside and keep a stone cold blank stare on my face. This makes people feel like I don't like them or have no feelings but of course it isn't true. Knowing how others feel is in part what started the paranoia. By them judging me I began judging them inside my head. Now I just feel like no one likes me or everyone is just fake.

It's hard to trust people when suffering from bipolar. I live and learn everyday.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Thank You

I'm writing this on an iPhone so it'll probably be short and sweet. Oh well, gotta few things to say so I'll get to the point. I've been really trying to keep things going with my online accounts. I've been writing and YouTubeing consistently and this blog has really grown. I started with zero views and even after shutting it down and rebooting it it now has 7000 views. I would've never dreamed of getting this far into it. I would love to say thank you to everyone who reads my dumb little articles about living with bipolar disorder. It is a struggle to keep going every day. Also I would love to take a few moments to ask, beg, and plead with my readers to check out YouTube.com/dnicholson304 and hit the subscribe button or just give me a view there. It's free and you can put a face to the words here. 

On another note I want to say that writing this blog has not only been a hard thing to do but also a pleasure. It's not easy with bipolar disorder to keep up with these things. I mean, just doing what I have to do is hard enough. Writing and YouTube is a ton and I mean a ton of rejection and waiting. This page started with nothing. Getting one view was a task then as I kept up with it it just took off and grew into what it is now. The same on YouTube I have very little views or subscribers but I believe that in time it to will grow. Now I will say that my YouTube is not about bipolar disorder it is just me being me. A vlog of sorts that touches bases on drones, vaping, amateur film making, and well whatever I want. 

So again to all who visit this site and read my words thank you. It means so much that you take some of your busy day and spend it with me. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't enjoy it and want to help others cope with bipolar or depression. It gets tough but together we will break the stigma and make ourselves a little better and wiser. 

Friday, November 25, 2016

Stop For A Break

Sometimes in life we just need a little break. A break to settle the dust we raise daily. We are in fact only human. Taking on to much can lead to exhaustion and exhaustion is bad. When we get to the point of exhaustion, fatigue, or just plain no caring we need to rest. Sit down and take a break from all our activities. I for one understand that working, blogging, YouTube, and being a dad and husband is a lot of hats to wear. I heard a minister once say "wear one hat at a time" in other words don't try to juggle all your activities at once. Great advice from someone who has undoubtedly been there. I can't expect to be at work and at home writing a blog at the same time. I wouldn't expect to be going over work papers with my kid or wife. So then how should I deal with it all? Deal with it one thing at a time and if you're still overwhelmed take a break, ask for help, or just stop for a while. It's okay to ask for help sometimes. It's okay to stop doing something for a while. I remember learning to play the guitar when I was a kid, I got into a slump just not learning anything new, so I put it down for a while. Amazingly when I picked it back up I began learning new chords, riffs, licks and enjoyed it all over again.

Whenever we keep going nonstop we create a dust storm that never settles. Like the old wests dust storms how can we see anything that's going on around us when we keep moving. How can we learn any new tricks if we don't stop and try. Doing the same things over and over are wearing us down. Our loves have gotten bland and boring and we will never bring back the passion of creativity without stopping and learning new things. Explore new surroundings by trying new hobbies or even a career change. Freshening up our lives helps our mental state more than we realize. Daily planning is a good thing but planning a new challenge is also helpful. Stop, look around at the world, let the dust settle and see what you're missing out on. So many wonderful opportunities await you if you just explore and encounter them.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Loneliness Is a Bad Bad Thing

Being alone is a fear. Fear is real and can cause real emotions. I have a fear of being alone. I admit this freely. I admit I am fearful of being alone and know this because of depression. When I get depressed I feel alone and also have very vivid dreams of loneliness.

One recurring dream is me being in a dark place. So very dark that I can't see my own hand in front of my face. I hear what sounds like screams of terror echoing in the distance but see nothing. The darkness swallows my heart and soul. The feeling of helplessness sets in and the terror continues. All of the sudden my mind clears and I fully understand what forever is in a true sense of time. Eternity is  not without time but more of a never ending time. And in this dream knowing and understanding I am alone forever and ever with out hope is true fear.

Fear of never having a conversation or contact with anyone. Knowing that I will forever be in that darkness of separation from all others. This is a nightmare. This is hell. When I have this dream which is often I feel I have visited hell. The torture isn't by fire but by mental and emotional hell.

I know that this is only a dream and dreams are not real, but I feel like I have truly been there. It gives me strength in a way to deal with depression a little easier when I feel alone. At least in real life I can visit or call a loved one and know I am not alone.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

I've Got a Hobby

So I have started back up my YouTube channel. YouTube.com/dnicholson304 is the site. I've been putting a few videos up, mostly drone footage but still a lot of fun. Yeah, I mean, I think hobbies are a very important part of life. You need "you time" in order to be happy. It kind of acts like a therapy for me. An out let of my emotions. I feel like I put my moods into my writing and my videos. The editing of both take time and focus.
For those of you who don't have a hobby to use as a therapy I'd try to find one. My drones allow me to go up into the sky and see the world as a bird. I've dreamed of being able to fly since I was a child, now I can.  I fly every chance I get. After work, on my days off, in the mornings, any odd time I get to escape from my life.
When I'm outside flying my drones or editing my footage for YouTube it's just me. I'm focused and doing something I love. Taking time to edit shots and frames the way I want them to look, editing in music I feel the scene deserves, it's my creation, my mind pasted onto a screen. When I read or watch my blog or channel it's like I'm speaking to myself. I don't really worry about the nasty comments because for every one of those there's people I'm inspiring.
You see, know one knows what it's like to have a mental condition unless they have one too. That's the same for any disability. This is good in a way. I'll tell you why, because of these types of misunderstandings now we have way to express ourselves in a unique way. When we create something beautiful we show people without these types of disabilities we really aren't that different after all. For a few moments we can capture the worlds attention, yeah there's always haters but there's also lovers.
One thing I hate is when I get in a depressed state of mind and take all my hard work down. This happens from time to time and I have to deal with it. I suffer when this happens. Then I need to wait until I'm ready to start all over.
Well enjoy my blog and YouTube.com/dnicholson304 channel.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Decisions Decisions I Understand Why

I have a thought.... it seems to me that a hot topic in today's world is doctor assisted suicide. Now on one hand it may be wrong to commit suicide in any way, but on the other hand why is this such a bad subject. I mean, we don't know what someone is feeling or thinking or even facing in their lives. Some people have a life long disease that has no cure at all, ever. It doesn't matter what the disease is or how it's dealt with. It doesn't matter who it is or how much we think we know about this illness or person. We do NOT know how this illness affects them personally. We do NOT know how much pain they are facing on a daily basis or how much fear this illness has instilled in their hearts. Mental illnesses or physical illnesses both have devastating affects on the individual suffering from them. Knowing that you may have a life long illness to deal with for the rest of your life is a horrible thing to face. The fear of never knowing if you're going to have a good day or a bad day both of which can lead into weeks or even months is unbearable at times. I know for a fact that I fear this myself. It seems to me that doctor assisted suicide isn't a way of just being a wimp or giving up it's seems to me that it's a way of relieving a life of pain. Sometimes we have to do what feels right for us. We even at times need to pull the plug on a loved one so why not on ourselves.
These are just some thoughts. I'm not saying we should go out and kill ourself or even plan it for our futures. I think we should try our hardest to deal with as much pain and fear for as long as we can. I feel that we should encourage one another in life and all endeavors. Remember we are all humans and we all face our own demons in sickness and in health. We are all one world and face the same troubles in life. Not much difference in the ways our emotions and brains function. I'm just saying we should understand why someone makes a decision for their own bodies or lives.