Monday, January 30, 2017

Medicated Cycles

So looking back at last nights post I decided that I owe you something better. That's right, I'm sorry for the short and poorly written article.  I actually wrote that post after I had taken my medication and was extremely tired during the event, not to mention it was around 11 PM. So anyway here goes the rewrite of the thoughts I was having.

Yes being sad is an average normal human emotion that everyone has. The problem isn't the feelings of sadness nor the feelings of happiness. The problem is a Bipolar brain doesn't comprehend these emotions normally. It's either way low feelings of sadness or way high feelings of happiness. From one extreme to another as they say.

When I get sad, I don't just get sad. My version of sadness is to have feelings of uselessness and utter failure. There isn't a normal emotion inside of me it seems. When I fall into a depressed state I can barely get out of bed and the simplest tasks become undoable. I can not have a conversation nor can I function like a normal human. It is during these periods I begin to hate myself for how I feel and the illness blinds me to anything that is good in my life. Feelings of darkness and loathing blanket my face to the real world.

Just the opposite is mania. This gives euphoric feelings of power, being unstoppable, super man like feelings. Tone of ideas, energy, extreme happiness and no consequences for any actions. Who needs sleep and who needs to eat. When manic I listen to music and drive my wife crazy. I can not control my energy levels and am constantly moving and talking.

The medication does help to keep these wild emotions from getting to far out of hand. I can still feel the cycles of bipolar and still have trouble motivating myself at times. I also can tell my cycles of depression coming and going but am able to manage myself enough to keep moving. I become burnt out at jobs frequently and become depressed due to life. The medicine doesn't take it away completely but enough to move through it. I can only imagine how it would be without my medicine at all.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Sitting and Feeling

Sitting in your own house and watching one of your favorite television shows with your wife is not a time to be depressed or sad. Sadness is a symptom that will come and go without warning. It can happen during some of your favorite activities or during some of the most horrific moments in your life. The problem here isn't having an average or normal human emotion, it's the fact that when a person who has bipolar disorder experiences a symptom it can become a major episode.

For instance a normal brain deals out emotions based on the surroundings of the host body. If at a sporting event, movie, amusement park, and so on it will deliver feelings of pleasure or euphoria. Now, if you are at a funeral, hospital, or anywhere else sad it delivers feelings of sadness. Seems legit, right? A bipolar brain delivers these feelings when you don't have a reason to be feeling them.

I don't mind feeling a little down or a little happy at times. I hate when I get to the point that I can't control my emotions or body movements any longer. How is it that I can be sitting in my home fine and all of the sudden I start to feel down? Down is the worst out of the two options. Tons of people start to ask whats wrong or oh it's the downer again, things like that. On the other hand mania gets on peoples nerves. But as the sign says, "The worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why."

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Escape From Reality

Wow have I been busy. I actually started a new job recently and will of course be putting a video about that on as well as some other stuff. But anyway the great news is that I have wrote a book and will be trying to get it published within the next few months. That would be the reason I haven't posted anything on here or youtube lately.

I was going to write a book based on bipolar disorder but changed my mind. I wanted to go in a more creative way and do a fiction book in the fantasy thriller style. I actually got a lot of inspiration from other stories and author bio's. I've been writing so much lately that I don't really have much to say here at all.

As far as bipolar goes I do have to say looking for a job with this illness is a true challenge. Most employers will give you the old "We'll let you know" speech and never call you back. Wow, I learned that is a bad thing to do to me. I've been waiting to hear back from some for a couple of months and even left them messages to let me know something. What kind of dirt bag does that to someone.

Anyway I'll be updating this more now that I'm pretty well done writing. I have some editing to do a maybe adding another few pages to clear some things up but I'll keep you posted on when it is released. Hopefully you enjoy the book because I've put so much of my heart and soul into writing something entertaining for the world to read. You know I've said it before, a good movie of story really helps me escape from my reality at times. I know we all need that escape so I've tried to give you one.

Sunday, January 8, 2017


Here I am still alive... At times I'm not sure why. I've had suicidal thoughts and attempts, but never been successful. I've been told that suicide is a way of being a coward, something a looser would do, a cry for help, and even told by some to go a head and do it!!! In my experience only a real jerk would say something like that, and only a real sick person would ever try to commit suicide. 

Suicide is in fact a symptom of mental illness. Suicide is not a cowardly thing to do. Actually when I attempted it I was very afraid. I was in fear of pain, death, and even still what others would think of me. Think about that for a moment, even in death I was afraid of being judged by others. This is the hold of this disease. Metal illness has such a stronghold on a person that even when facing true death your brain is still focussed on what others will think of you. Personally I feel that suicide is a brave action that takes true commitment to attempt. 

I am in NO WAY saying that I condone this action in anyway. Yes, I have attempted and failed it on more than one occasion. I know where those feelings come from and I understand how a person can come into that dark place. I also know for a fact that this is a symptom of your illness. If you are facing that demon PLEASE STOP READING THIS ARTICLE AND CALL 911. I can say from experience that I am glad I did not successfully negotiate my death. 

Remember that life like so many other things is a gift. You are here for a reason no matter how bad it may get. By failing my attempts I have to believe that my course of action in life that leaves my legacy behind has not been accomplished yet. Just like you I am here and things get better. My brain is sick just like yours. Just like you I suffer with the ups and downs of bipolar. I understand deep depression and extreme mania. I understand those horrid side effects of medication as well as daily struggles of living with a chronic illness. 

It's very important to get help. Even when symptoms are not overwhelming you know in the back of your mind that you are sick. Seek out a trusted medical provider that can help with adjusting your medicine as well as give you someone to talk to in a non judgmental way. Do not be afraid of a temporary placement in the hospital. I was in one for three weeks. It was a true break to not worry about daily life, it was a real help to go into therapy twice a day, and group therapy gave me insight on what others have been dealing with. You are not alone.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Ashamed And Embarrassment

So heres the theme for the day I guess. Everyday we need to get up and try to do something.... Sometimes it seems to be overwhelming to do it all. We get frustrated and even give up. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I've just given up on everything. I felt like I was being taken advantage of, mistreated, under estimated, not trusted, not good enough. When I began to calm down I realized it was my way of thinking. My own brain telling me these things. I would actually believe that I wasn't good enough, nobody likes me, I'm just a looser.

Yes, I've had a number of jobs. Yes, I've been manic and quit as well as depressed and quit. I suffer from low self esteem and paranoia. I find that a lot of people who have bipolar suffer from the same symptoms I do. I also find that a lot of people who suffer from bipolar are on disability because they can't hold a job. Most people who are on disability have suffered a lot of rejection and bullying because of this. This can seriously cause major depression to set in quickly. Those who are trying to work end up quitting jobs because of symptoms and then feel rejected and like a looser for being unemployed. Its a no win situation.

Searching for your place in this world is are enough without mental illness getting in the way all of the time. Being bipolar is not fun, nor is it easy. I find myself searching for a place to belong a lot. I look at those people who have a career, nice home, and a smile and only wish I could be more like them. I find myself lost inside myself, inside my mind screaming for some sort of release. Needing that one chance to prove myself only to mess it up once again. It becomes a cycle of highs and lows, chances and screw ups. The bipolar cycle doesn't just mess with your head it manifests itself in the things you do. It shows up in cycles of jobs, marriages, drugs, homes and more. Although not all end up in drugs or marriages or even multiple jobs or moves it still shows in life through emotions and actions.

It seems so easy for someone to just give up. When facing these challenges we get tired of the constant fight. The struggle to keep our minds focused on the tasks at hand. The challenges someone else faces seems like a true struggle for us. The fact that we have trouble dealing not only embarrasses us but also chips away at our individuality. It takes from our "manhood" or our "adult mentality".

Feeling like less of a person for showing weakness is down right humbling. Being ashamed of who we are as a person is not easy. I have had times when I did not want to be seen by anyone. I felt so ashamed of myself. So embarrassed to be alive. I, at times, still don't want to go into a store or home in fear of someone seeing me. It sucks.... But being ashamed of my own illness and symptoms is only adding to the stigma I am so desperately trying to break.