Monday, February 27, 2017

Feeling Good as of Right Now

Hello my readers!!! Stress is down right now and I think I owe a lot of that to my writing and YouTube channel. It really helps to have a creative outlet to express yourself and release some of those emotions. Having a hobby that consumes a lot of my time and focussing on something positive is extremely wonderful. 

Doing this blog and opening up about my mental health has been a great experience. Of course I've gotten some hate from people online but every social type of site has trolls and haters. Just like the Taylor Swift song says haters gonna hate. In all honesty I've gotten more support from a lot of good people than any hate. 

On the bipolar side of things I did go to the doctor and explained how I was feeling lately and about my small hypomania episode and was told if it only happened once let it go. So, therefore no med adjustments and no med changes and I feel that is good news. 

Everyday right now I'm going to bed feeling good and waking up feeling good. I actually have more to look forward to in my day. I am excited to create a new video each day and a new blog each week. What was once filled with despair and gloom is now filled with excitement and motivation. I actually enjoy life right now. I feel good about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. I feel creative in all I do and feel like I am encouraging others that life can be better. 

So in closing I will say trolls and haters are everywhere but I have found more goo in my online presence than bad. Helping and encouraging people is good no matter how you do it.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Not Enough Time For Everything

So it's been a week since my last post here and I do apologize for that. I feel overwhelmed at times trying to work, write, be a dad and husband, and run a YouTube channel. I mean it a real feat to get it all accomplished. One thing I will never do is give up.

Trying to prioritize things in my life can be difficult. You see having bipolar is never easy and having large emotional outbursts is just one of the symptoms. I tend to try to hide those emotions for as long as possible. Keeping things bottled up for so long keeps me feeling emotionally bloated. It's like I have no more room to put things. This gets in the way of trying to prioritize life and feelings that go along with it.

The best way I can describe this is kind of silly. I feel like Tinker Bell from Peter Pan. I know how silly right? But think about it. A line in the film said she was so small she could only hold one emotion at a time, so when I'm doing work that's all I can focus on, same for anything else. When I'm doing YouTube that's literally all I focus on, when I write I give it my all. I mean it's 11:35pm right now and I just1 uploaded a video, my family is asleep and I'm writing this article.

I've given advice on planning things out and prioritizing life when it comes to mentally ill people and I think I could try harder myself to take that advice. I tend to get to involved in my projects and have way to big of a heart to let others down. I enjoy writing this blog and making videos for all my followers to read and watch. I love having a community to come to and interact with others. I can't say enough about how much my family means to me, I just need to focus on making more time for my hobbies and job.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Fog On The Water


Everyday is different in the world of mental illness. I once thought that I knew when an episode was going to come on but I was in fact wrong. The other day I was just sitting on my couch watching a little television before work and went downhill. I'm not sure what happened but I became overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness and self pity. It became apparent that I was having an episode but in my mind I was justified in my feelings.

Feelings during a mental "breakdown" as some call it can be very persuasive to the host. These emotions no matter how ridiculous they my be to others are very real and convincing to the one having them. In time these feelings will pass and the clouded mind will clear enough for the individual to realize that things aren't quite as bad as they seemed before, but this can also lead to another episode of self pity and serious embarrassment.

I for one have had multiple episodes of hypomania and depression where I truly felt like my world was changing and not for the better. It was as if others had turned their backs on me or had betrayed me in some way that hurt me deeply. I felt like I was a victim of bullying and backstabbing. Of course when I calmed down and regained my right mind things weren't that bad but at the time it seemed real.

It's best describe as fog on a pond or lake, when the fog sets in you can't really see what is going on under it, but when it lifts the water is clear and fresh. An episode of bipolar works the same way, you begin to have delusional thoughts or feelings of extreme self worth or serious depression but when it's over things begin to get more clear.


Friday, February 10, 2017

Longing For A Drug Free Life

I feel lost and in pain.

I've been reading a lot about Seroquel lately and in actually terrifies me to think of what this stuff is doing to me. For a drug that is supposed to help a person it sure seems to me that it is doing a lot of harm in the background. If you look up Seroquel withdrawal and side affects if this stuff it will make you cringe.

I have wrote about coming off of this stuff before and about my dream of being drug free, but now I'm not to sure. It really depends on making the choice of between the side affects and the withdrawal symptoms, or even if you are able to come off your medicines.

After researching the symptoms people have from quitting this drug it seems like I would chose to just stay on it. Many forums advise people to lower the doses slowly but even then the symptoms are to much to deal with. Most have given up and went back on the drug.

I've read about people dealing with:
Insomnia for months
Uncontrollable itching
Nausea, vomiting
Eye pain
Irritability, mood swings
Loss of appetite
Horrid nightmares and more

Staying on this stuff can cause the usual liver problems, as well as severe eye problems and from what I read permanent brain damage. Now this is of course just research into forums like drugs.com and some different psych drug sights. Even still this is terrifying knowing that I take this drug daily and have went without it and suffered some of these issues.

I had severe and I mean severe insomnia and flu like symptoms when I missed five days of my medicine. If that is a sign of what others are going through then I am sorry for your pain. I understand these medicines are meant to help those and I must say this drug has helped level me out and made it possible to function in a job to some extent but I do wish to be drug free in the future.

Please leave your thoughts and concerns on this topic. Should we as bipolar sufferers seek a more natural drug free life or are we doomed to be pill poppers forever?

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I'm Me

It's hard at times to focus on new things. I tend to be one of those people that try new things for a bit but then get a little frustrated with them if they don't go the way I had hoped. It's like this blog, I took it down before because I felt like it wasn't appreciated. Of course I started it all over again and have been diligent with it since but the fact is I got frustrated over a blog. I have felt the same way over my YouTube channel. I actually still feel that way over YouTube. It's been really hard getting that thing going. My videos are getting like 1 or 2 views over there and I ready to take it down.

Not sure really what to do over that. My bipolar brain says nobody is watching this stuff so get rid of it. My hopeful brain is saying give it time, it's something you enjoy doing. The latter seems right. I feel like I should do this stuff for me, because even if not appreciated by others I enjoy doing it, so do it for me.

I remember recently writing about getting a hobby for yourself and asking for responses or ideas, well I got none. So now I'm just writing for my own enjoyment about what it is I've been doing to try to keep my mind busy, focussed, and entertained a little. I'm starting school, I'm making videos, I'm flying my drone, I'm writing a blog about my own illness that I live with daily, I'm working part time as a security officer. These are my hobbies, interests and lively hood right now. Things could change in a matter of days. I may find a new and exciting hobby in class that involves IT and computers or maybe a new way of doing things that I already love. But you know what I'm me and thats all I can be.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Re-enrolled in IT

It's been a weird couple of days. Not sure why but I just haven't felt all that good lately. I've felt a little down, worried, sad, paranoid, dark, and what ever else comes with depression. Even having these feelings I've gotten up out of bed and done what I needed to do. It seems only right to continue my life and try to not effect those around me.

One thing I've tried to do is keep my head held high. I need to focus on what is best for me even though I understand that with this illness I may change my mind or give up on myself in the very near future. I must keep on trying so I re-enrolled in school. Now, before you all get way to excited it is only a year program for IT. I love computers and all that they have to offer. Yes I am an Apple Fanboy and this school is not for Apple but I still love technology and all it does for us.

My only hope is that I don't fail at this venture due to Bipolar. I have in the past tries to go back to school and failed at it. I even tried this very IT school once and didn't go to a single class. At that time I was afraid that I would graduate having spent the money and come out unemployed and no one to hire me. But now I feel like I could do it and actually find work. Not sure whats different now but I'm going for it.

Each new chapter we start in our lives needs to be explored to its fullest if we plan on flourishing and learning from it. We need to focus and get into why we are here, what lead us to this point. We all have a reason and road that has guided us this far, so lets look into this new chapter knowing we made it here for a purpose. Maybe those words of advice can help me and you look into our own souls and see where we may have messed up in the past and learn from those mistakes.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Giving a Gift of Insight

I take all that has been given to me and try to make it into something more. A lot of people ask me questions about my life and things I try to do with it. Of course most of those questions are the same question but maybe worded a little differently and that question usually revolves around "What's it like having bipolar disorder?" The point I'm trying to make is I can answer your questions with one phrase; It sucks but I keep trying my best. 

As I said to start with I try to make the most out of what cards I've been dealt in life. I continue to move forward with what I can and at times need help. Wether that help is in monetary form, or advise form, or maybe even medical help I seek it out when needed and keep moving on. But I try my best to take what has been given and turn it into something bigger. 

You see, I believe we have all been called upon to make this world a better place. Cliche I know but hear me out. When I say a better place I'm not speaking in a "going green" or "lets just all get along way." What I'm saying is we all have a purpose here to try and help each other make it through tough times. If I'm blessed with a gift of finances or some great advise that will help me through I am always willing to help someone else that needs it also. 

I've been given an opportunity here with my illness to help others who are facing the same challenges everyday themselves. I don't write this blog for myself I write it for you. I believe that I am truly helping someone who needs it. I am taking what was given to me and turning it into something bigger. Each day when I wake up I do what I can to face my day and think about something to write about. I will continue to do so as long as I am here in this world. To all who read it, thanks and I hope you continue to enjoy it for a long time. 

Please find your calling and share it with us. I would love to have some insight into what you may understand about bipolar or mental health. Heck, I'd even like to know what hobbies or interest you may have to help you cope with troubled times.